Serving Under Pressure in an Institution That Can’t Fail

How constant demands and scarce resources wear down those who serve

Why This One’s Different

This one’s a bit different. It’s more personal than most of what I’ve written here, but I think it matters. I’m trying to shed some light on what it actually costs—on a human level—when an institution that isn’t allowed to fail is asked to do too much with too little, for too long. It also explains, in practical terms, why I won’t always stick to a schedule with these articles. That’s just the reality. Moreover, I’m genuinely not looking for sympathy; instead, I’m trying to use myself as an example.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

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“Failure Is Not an Option”

During the 1990 Oka Crisis, I remember an encounter between the leader of the native protest and the commander of the Canadian Army unit directed to bring an end to it. The Major, for that’s what he was, said something like, “It doesn’t matter whether I agree with you or not. My government has directed me to end this occupation. We’re the last resort and we cannot fail. I will not fail.”

I’m paraphrasing, of course. It was a long time ago and I was a very junior officer watching it all unfold from afar. But I remembered the scene because it sums up the view of many of the more conscientious military members: failure literally isn’t an option. I’m not referring to institutional failures, which—as we know—are a fixture of Canada’s defence scene. Instead, I’m talking about the realization that, especially during operations, the Armed Forces are the last option available. Once they’re sent, there’s literally nothing else. They cannot fail.

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The Heavy Toll on People

This realization weighs heavy on many, especially those in leadership roles and, when combined with chronic under-resourcing, leads to many unintended consequences. People work longer and longer hours, attempting to “get the job done.” Home life is sacrificed, health problems multiply, and the strain begins to show. But “perseverance” remains the motto, because failure cannot be tolerated.

Along with the personal cost, the ability to get the job done has cost the Armed Forces dearly. The Canadian military has become expert in making things happen, even in the face of funding shortages, staffing problems and public indifference. This ability leads to a vicious circle: why provide additional resources if the military can still fulfill its assigned responsibilities?

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The A Team

By the time I hit the mid-point of my military career, I’d already sustained multiple injuries, all during training. My knees, back, and shoulder were all causing problems. However, I was judged a member of the “A” Team, one of those people that gets the call first or is a “go to” person in the office—you know the type. One gets a reputation for better or worse.

By the 2000s, the Army was under severe operational stress, with commitments to Bosnia and combat operations in Afghanistan. In the space of three years, I deployed to overseas operations three times and had been responsible for planning one of the biggest domestic operations in the Army’s history.

At the end of it all, I was desperate for a rest. Like some others, I had no home life at all—no hobbies, no outside interests, just work. Relationships were impossible to maintain. Thankfully, someone recognized this and I was posted to a lower intensity job. I met and married my partner, built a house, and began to experience some stability.

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The Return to High Stress

Unfortunately, it didn’t last more than a year. The Army was breaking under the strain of its commitments to Afghanistan and it was all hands on deck. For my sins, I was promoted and assigned to one of the most stressful staff positions in the entire Army, with a pivotal role in domestic operations and in preparing, training, and deploying forces overseas. I inherited a staff branch that had been bled white, despite the responsibilities it held. Staffing was at 28% and I soon found myself with two, then three job titles. I began to work constantly.

Every time we had a casualty in Afghanistan from our region, I would get a call, no matter what time of day. Personnel shortages were rife and there was constant competition for people to deploy or to man training establishments. The Harper budget cuts hit hard and it became a struggle to obtain ammunition and resources. Everything was a battle; but still failure was not an option.

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The Personal Cost

It isn’t hard to imagine the result. My wife grew to hate my cellphone. I worked constantly. I worked when on leave. I worked at home. I worked from the delivery room when my daughter was born. I was in the office 16 hours a day and when I wasn’t, there was always a meeting or a business trip. Afghanistan was breaking the Army and holding things together became the entire focus for the senior leadership, even as large domestic operations intruded and threatened to force everything to a halt.

People were now deploying repeatedly, with some accumulating four or five tours in Afghanistan alone. We began to scrape the bottom of the barrel and send soldiers and officers who normally would never have been considered for operational tours.

Under this strain I began to struggle. On my last tour in Afghanistan, I was injured yet again. Worse, I began to experience weird heart problems when under stress. I shrugged these off (I was deployed, after all) and was given a thumb’s up by the medical people when I returned home.

Now, under the stress of my current job, things exploded. Maintaining fitness became an issue physically and I began to experience constant heart issues. Finally, I was hospitalized and spent five days in intensive care.

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No Option to Step Back

Yet the Army had no choice but to keep me in my position. There was no one else. Now heavily medicated, I was undeployable and on the ramp for a forced medical retirement. But we kept working; failure wasn’t an option.

Within my staff, there were heart attacks, blood pressure issues, and retirements. I started to experience what the medical people called “extreme burn out.”

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The End of a Chapter

As my forced retirement loomed, it became more and more urgent to find a replacement for what was (and is) a critical job. Finally, another “A Team” officer was posted in and I was moved after four years in the breach; moved to the another extreme stress position—Personnel—with orders to “get a grip on it” before I retired. While I was performing just fine and had no mental health issues, I became incredibly physically reactive to stress.

And then one day, it all screeched to a halt. The release message came and I soon found myself standing outside my unit building, wearing my dress uniform and holding my release file. Done. Over. I still feel the suddenness of it all.

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So why am I telling you all this?

First, because I think that the public doesn’t realize the toll that the “can’t fail” dynamic and the accompanying lack of resources have on people trying desperately to hold it all together. I am by no means atypical; the Forces are rife with blood pressure issues, early heart attacks, sudden releases or retirements, and a hollowing out of the middle and senior leadership. Those left are the most “resilient,” not necessarily the most competent. Chronic under-resourcing has an impact well beyond operational readiness.

The second reason is more personal. I began this Substack as a way to develop a hobby, to get my thoughts in order and to act as a cathartic outlet. It was never my intention to build an audience or to become an influencer. God help me if anyone describes me as a “thought leader.” But my articles have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. 2500 people have thought enough of them to actually subscribe, some as paying subscribers. I’m incredibly grateful.

However, I still have the stress reaction problems, even after retiring and acting as a stay-at-home dad for years. This means that I need to take breaks, especially from social media, when things get “hot.” It also means that I really can’t stick to a schedule when it comes to writing. After all, this is an outlet and I have to be in the right mindset to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). This won’t happen if my heart’s acting up or I have blinding headaches.

So I really hope you’ll bear with me if there are delays. Articles will indeed come and I have much more to say. There is a lot happening at an extremely rapid pace and I’ll try to make sense of it all, if only for my own edification.

As always, thanks for being here.